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I’ve seen so much hopelessness that it’s hard to be hopeful.
I’ve seen so much pride that it’s hard to be humble.
I’ve seen so much hatred that it’s harder to love.
I’ve seen so much betrayal that it’s even harder to trust.
I’ve seen so much evil that it makes my skin crawl – most of the time.
I’ve seen so much darkness that I can barely reach the light.
I’ve seen so much fake that it’s hard to be real.
I’ve seen so much doubt that faith seems unreachable.
I know so much more than I ever should know. I’ve seen what happened yesterday, I live today, and I frequently see tomorrow. I know what is to come.
If you sat in my shoes one day, you’d ask for yours back within the hour. Why?
Because I wouldn’t curse my worst enemy with this burden.
Life – reality – is subjective. Governed by multiple dimensions. Overseen by holy spirits. Destroyed by wretched demons – and humans.
God is love. I know love. His love.
But more and more, every single day, I feel God’s weariness in my bones. He is as tired as I of the pain – of the wickedness – of this realm.
And he wants it to end probably much more than I.
I pray for His return more often than most because I’ve seen things and know things of which I do not boast.
I only tell because some need to understand why I feel the way I do inside – why my brain often fails me.
I do not wish to fail again I only wish for peace.
I only wish for quiet and a place where I can pray on my knees.
I do not understand myself much less what I know and what I’ve seen.
I cannot wrap my head around it it makes me usually want to scream.
I’d rather lay in rest for all eternity than continue living this way always feeling misery.
I want to feel hope again.