Consistency

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Now, here’s a topconsistency2.jpegic not frequently discussed – or not frequentlyenough.

Consistency is not just the thickness of a good gravy in the morning. It’s the foundation we as humans must lay before we reach our goals.

I’ve discovered this the hard way in life, unfortunately – or fortunately, depending on which way you look at it. For so many years, I rested on my laurels thinking I was the greatest person that ever walked the planet – but I had no consistency. Not at work, not at home, not in my relationships, and certainly not in my personality.

This damaged me to an extreme that I didn’t realize until recently.

In my opinion, being places on time (consistently), acting the same around everyone you meet (consistently) rather than trying to be ten different people at once, showing up to work (consistently – surprisingly enough you might keep a job this way), and even dressing (consistently) can improve your quality of life astronomically.

I used to bounce around from one job to the next, from one friend to the next, be nice to my mom one day and rude the next, dress like a punk yesterday and a movie star tomorrow constantly (not consistently). To others around me, this was confusing and often times off-putting, because no one knew who I was going to be from one moment to the next – and neither did I. It was an exhausting way to live.

Now, not only have I gotten older and more wise, I’ve also gotten sober. I stopped reaching for the next high – the next best thing – and learned to be content with where I am, who I’m with, and with what I am in this very moment. This simple task has taught me how to be consistent.

consistency3.jpgI have observed people of my generation for some time now, and I’ve noticed an extreme inconsistency with how we perceive and conquer the day. I believe that ideal resides in a false sense of self – in an entitlement mindset. Rather than going out and reaching for a purpose, we’ve lost ours in the stream of timelines and hashtags. And, media has lots to do with it. We’ve lost the true ability to human. To REALLY human.

Hey, I’m not saying you have to go out and get a boring job you hate, dress like an old crusty lawyer, or act dull; I’m saying, be you! Be fully you. Consistently. If you have a job, be the best employee you can be. If you don’t have a job, consistently work at finding one that fits you best (or one where you fit best). If you like fashion, then dress how you should dress consistently, not the way you think others think you should dress. If you have an addiction, overcome it consistently working towards recovery! If you have a relationship with a higher power or the universe, consistently seek to deepen that relationship. Treat others with love and tolerance consistently.

Be CONSISTENT! I promise it’ll change your life.

Later.

Quite Some Time

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It’s been quite some time since I sat down and senselessly wrote. So here it goes:

I’m tired. I’m afraid. I am separated from my emotions in a way I’ve never felt before.

I work towards a seemingly endless goal. A goal I don’t even have a name for.

Sobriety? Spirituality? Money? Love? Acceptance? I’m not really sure.

I have dreams, but those dreams seem so unobtainable.

Where do I even start?

I get silent reprieves from nights spent with a few friendly faces,

But then I have to return home only to sit in the dark.

I’m covered in love from someone I want to spend forever with..

But I feel incapable of returning that love with anything like the same fury.

I’m drowning in a time where monotony seems to be washing me down the drain.

I don’t know where to go next. I’m told to do things I love – like write or play.

The ivories feel cold under my finger tips. This keyboard seems to be deepening the pain.

So, I pray. Sometimes that works. It gets me through a few hours at least.

I long for the days when I used to reach for my pipe. When I used to find laughter at the end of a bottle. But the next day would only bring more rain.

The consequences aren’t worth turning back. Losing everything I’m trying to fight for – diligently? More like insufferably.

Sometimes I feel so happy I might burst. Those are the moments I live for now.

But most of the time I feel blank, cowering behind something that’s blocking out the sun.

What is it I’m hiding from? Booze? Weed? Fear? Me?.. Probably.

It’s like I’m just standing on the edge waiting to be pushed off.

It always happens. I find a glimpse of serenity, a smidgen of bliss – only to all be erased by the sickening blows of life.

What do I want to be when I grow up?

I’m more and more becoming like Lennon – I just want to be happy.

But maybe his teacher was right. Maybe I’m not doing it right.

Happiness is a choice. Right?

I think that’s wrong. I think happiness is a facade.

Joy is what we seek. But can joy be something continuous? I guess that’s what I’m trying to find out. So, I guess I’ll keep searching.

And maybe that Higher Power I pray to will show me how to get there. Maybe he, she, it, them will bring me to where I need to be.

But putting in the work to get what I need isn’t exactly my forte. It’s tireless work. Endless, like I said before.. pushing towards an invisible nameless goal.

I’ll figure it out tomorrow. Today, I’ll just rest in the fact that the wind is still blowing and I’m still breathing, and he’s sitting next to me. Maybe that’s enough. Shouldn’t it be?

How to Love Someone who Shuts you Out

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How do you love someone who’s emotionally shut you out?

Sounds painful, huh?… It is. More so than I’d like to admit. But it’s possible. I promise.

I’ve been married for a little over a year to the love of my life. I’ve also been suffering from active alcoholism and semi emotional abuse (from both ends of the relationship).

What I have to remind myself of constantly is that some of the things that we’ve been through and the fights that we have are what caused him to emotionally retract. But I also have to remind myself that he, too, has been part of this roller coaster.

I am not the only villain in this story; however, I will not play a victim either. He is the man I put a ring on for, and the man I want for the rest of my life.

The problem is, he’s not only shut me out, he wants out. And after promises made and past mistakes forgiven, he’s turned into someone I’ve never known before. That in itself is the most painful part of it all.

So, how do you love someone who’s abandoned you? It’s not easy. But like I said.. it is possible.

Every morning for the past few weeks, and sometimes throughout the whole day, I hit my knees and pray. Not for my will but for God’s to be done in my marriage. I pray that God will cover my husband in protection and love and I pray for forgiveness for my own selfishness and that God will help me forgive him. I do this EVERY day and as often as it’s needed.

I usually also send him a text saying that I love him. (of course in the past and even recently – as a woman lol – I tend to blow him up with texts.. which is the wrong thing to do because I’m learning it drives him away quicker). I look stronger if I keep a healthy distance.

Usually, he doesn’t respond. And those responses have gotten thinner and thinner, and that’s okay. It hurts, but it is OKAY.

As an alcoholic, I have to remind myself that I am powerless not only over alcohol but over many things in my life. One of those things is my husband’s thoughts, words, and actions. That is super hard to accept! But with the strength and goodness of God, I’ve been able to get stronger and stronger in this each day.

If the 12 steps have taught me anything, it’s that God is in control, and that God only wants his best for my life – whether that’s with my husband or without him. The pain I feel inside is temporary, and because of my persistence in prayer, the pain is slowly subsiding and peace is being placed there instead.

Love isn’t just a word or some kind of feeling. It’s an action. And sometimes that action is to let that person go. Holding on too tightly will most always run them away. I know that I can’t capture my husband in a box and keep him there. He would be miserable – he says he already is. But I can pray for him and I can love him within myself enough to give him away to God’s control.

Without God, all of life is unmanageable.. Not just my alcoholism. This goes for anyone – alcoholic or not. My foundation in Him will be what makes a difference in the end.

Damage has been done – so much damage – in my relationship that it seems as though there’s no way to bounce back or for us to heal, but God is the ultimate Healer and Miracle Worker. It is in Him I rest my heart and to whom I give my spirit.

Through God’s love is how I love.

That is how to love someone who has shut you out. Silently – in prayer.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails…” 1 Corinthians 13:4-8

The Joker

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He looks at me with eyes like fireflies. He speaks to me with poetry lingering on his tongue. 

He touches me softly like a new baby’s blanket. 

He smiles at me with the mischievousness of Peter Pan. 

He plots against the world next to me like Joker and Harley Quinn. 

Together, We will spin the world on its axis like fire and ice. 

Our destinies meet in harmony like the moon and the sun. 

Love like this happens once in a lifetime if you’re lucky. But it only happens when you’re not looking. 

And with him. It’s more than perfection. He and I, our free souls, belong as one.  
 

The Unrequited love poem

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How do you feel when you love someone who does not love you back?

How does anyone feel in this situation, really…

Rejected, alone, cold, and weak just to name a few.

Murdered in cold blood.

Heart throbbing – aching – for just one touch.

Is that too much to ask?

You stare at his face when they don’t notice

Hoping you’ll catch his eye and see just a glimpse –

A glimpse of that twinkle he used to have.

You know it’s there somewhere –

And you just keep searching, waiting, hoping.

Power is in hope, after all, right?

Or maybe that’s just a silly dream from a silly little girl.

It isn’t just infatuation you want – it’s devotion;

Intimacy shared between two people that no one else could ever know.

How do you feel when you love someone who doesn’t love you back?

Empty, fearful, anxious, impatient.

Just to name a few.

Your soul broken in two.

Praying for change that may never come.

Counting on promises that will probably always be empty.

So you start searching for something else…

A bottle, one hit, a pill, whatever it may be;

There’s got to be more to life than this misery.

But at the end of the day, you look at him again

And it starts all over.

You can’t give up – you made an oath.

You love him too much to let him go.

You know that deep down he does love you

But not understanding why he can’t show it

Will forever haunt you.

So what do you do?

In my opinion, you should let your heart ache.

Let it break. Let it cry.

But every day continue to show him why he deserves to be loved.

Walls don’t come down easily – especially to those most wounded.

So give him as much time as he needs to heal – but don’t deepen the hurt further.

Patience is a virtue they say, right?

Mindfulness Takes Practice.

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There’s been a lot of talk about mindfulness in the past few months in the media, in schools, churches, yoga studios, and interpersonal conversations. In my experience, mindfulness takes practice – a lot of practice. It isn’t just something that you discover and then BOOP it’s magic. No. Becoming mindful in every day life is a journey to happiness and enlightenment. It reveals love and joy and unity with yourself and with others and it also realizes the connection between all things. Sometimes I get cloudy again. I get demotivated. I somehow forget how good it feels to get on my yoga mat and let go. I get lost in the mundane worries of life and I forget that if I just put in hard work each day, I’ll achieve something great. I feel that we all get this way sometimes. Life wears on you. It starts tearing you apart. Little issues become huge mountainous problems. You begin to feel trapped. The thing about becoming mindful is that it teaches you to love yourself first. It teaches you awareness of your connections to your inner beauty. God as he is understood, created you to be beautiful and full of joy. If you connect to His creation and experience the love He has for you – the love that is built in to you – you have the capability to shake the earth. We all do. We were given a purpose to create something wonderful with the resources we’ve been given. But we’ve allowed selfish desire, power and money to take over and ruin this planet. We all need to realize we are connected and this earth is connected to us. The universe is connected to us. Our one job is to make it beautiful – to preserve it not destroy it! So why can’t we change things? Because we’re stuck. We’re stuck in realities that our government designed instead of the reality that God designed. We need to all band together and start making decisions to change things. But we can’t do that until we realize ourselves first. Our purpose is love. Inwardly, upwardly, outwardly.

Do you ever stop to really think about your body?

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Do you ever stop to really think about your body? I just realized I don’t much. I mean, I may occasionally look in the mirror and realize I’ve gained or lost a few pounds or notice my eyebrows are growing unruly, but I never really take the time to notice myself. Not really.

But I’m thinking now, and it makes me a little self conscious. I mean, for one, my hair is too short (I did ask for it to be cut that way, but I feel like I made a mistake). It’ll grow back to it’s long blonde self one day, I guess. My neck is too skinny for my round head, and sometimes I look like I have two chins. My eyebrows grow way too fast, and I have to groom them literally every other day.

My eyes are squinty but very deep green. They look the best when I add shades of gold, green and purple to the lid, but it really annoys me that I have such dark circles around the arch of my nose and under my eyes. The only makeup I ever need the most is my concealer so I don’t look like I haven’t slept in weeks.

I never really break out much except the week before my period, and my skin is usually naturally soft from my head to my waist. My nose fits pretty perfectly between my eyes and mouth. It’s small and button-like which makes it fun for people to poke (and makes me want to hide my face from certain friends of mine). My ears are tiny too.

I grow a little dark blonde mustache above my lip that I have to wax every three weeks to a month, but my lips are plush and pink and I never have to wear lipstick, although in the winter when my skin is pale, pink and red look dashing I think.

Below my neck and on my narrow shoulders, my short biceps sit attached to my thin, long forearms and small and dainty hands. My fingers may be long, but I assure you my palm is smaller than yours. My wrists can even fit a baby bracelet on them if I so choose to wear one.

My breasts are bigger than they look due to the style of clothing I usually wear. They definitely weigh me down a little, but that’s okay I guess. They’re kind of nice to have.

My stomach is narrow to say the least and I have a light brown happy trail that grows from my belly button to my unmentionable. Of course, I either pluck the hairs with tweezers or shave them off.

My waist gets a little thicker as we get down to my butt, and I have kind of a weird hump between my hips and thighs that makes me look a bit like a pear. I have to keep my weight down in this area, or I would definitely look like one!

I don’t have much of a butt but it’s a little bubble I guess. My thighs have always been my least favorite part. Their like a lump with not much shape. It takes a lot of work to get them to look the way they did when I was 17.

Although my thighs are less than pleasant, my calves are good and strong. They are pretty thin like my forearms and help me dance like I want. My feet, like my hands are small and quaint. It sucks, though, because when I go shoe shopping all the cute selections are always taken! There are just too many women with small feet.

There are a few things I forgot to mention like how my fingernails and toenails are brittle and grow funny and how my right eye droops just a little lower than my left. I have a birth mark on the inside of my left calf muscle and four tattoos hidden away. My scalp gets itchy and my lips can’t handle most lip products because they dry out and peel easily.

A lot of this probably sounds self-critical, but I assure you it’s just pure honesty. I love my body and how I’m made, and writing about myself has helped me think just how much I want to take better care of me. My exercise routine could definitely use a boost, and my thighs are the way they are because of chocolate and fried food. I know what I have to do. I know my potential. I am thankful for my body; are you thankful for yours?

The Characterization of Fear

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What is fear?

Fear is ugly. Fear is crippling. Fear breads anxiety and depression. Fear drives hate. It ruins love and tears apart families. Fear broods and bubbles deeply inside. Fear is that annoying yet terrifying buzz in the back of your mind – like a wasp buzzes near your ear in summer. Fear is banning the Confederate flag. Fear is also hating the flag that flies for equal love. Fear is not allowing understanding for those who may look, act, speak, believe differently from you. Fear is money. Fear is war. Fear is the media. Fear is what drives the world.

But I have a simple question. Does fear, in fact, have a silver lining? Can something good come from fear?

Do you know what I think? I think that absolutely NOTHING good can come directly from fear BUT I’ve also been considering something. What if something good can be born from fear to push fear away? What if people fear so much that the fear is beginning to almost look fake? What if there’s a generation that realizes that fear isn’t the right way? That marriage can be gay – or straight, or bi, or transexual? That the Confederate flag isn’t what’s wrong with the world, it’s the people who fly them? That the media is LYING? That our families need nurturing? That love and freedom shouldn’t come at a cost? That religion serves one central purpose? What if?

I think there’s a generation rising. Watch and see.

him.

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his biggest dream is to become a game warden. his eyes are as deep chocolate and as gentle as a doe’s. his hands are strong and work ridden. his legs tell of tiresome years of toil yet stand as strong as an oak’s trunk. his mouth is always pursed with serious matters of life, but when he smiles it’s as if time stops. his voice is firm and demanding of progression. he knows all my favorite songs.

he doesn’t let a soul tell him how to live yet has a burning desire to be in the company of those close to him. it is evident that experience has led him here. he’s been on his own since he was sixteen.

that’s not easy for any of us – not having the help and devotion of our families as we grow up. i was luckier than he. but is it lucky that i was babied my whole life? maybe he was the lucky one.

being in his arms quiets every part of my body. my mind goes blank – erased of all the worries of the future and ailments of the past. standing near him gives me power. looking at him feeds me love. the entire universe is in his stride; his laugh can melt an entire room.

his touch is everything i need for the rest of my life. it is reassurance of a happy life. isn’t that what we all want? a happy life? that’s why he’s my forever.

A Love/Hate Relationship: The 12 Pros and Cons of Summer

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School’s out for summer! Declares Alice Cooper, and yes it is! Finally, we meet our much awaited freedom – well, freedom for most of us that is.

For some, summer isn’t quite as enchanting as it was when we were all kids. Sure, we’re out of class, but not all of us go to school. Work doesn’t stop for us adults in the summer unless, of course, you’re a teacher and get paid to have your summer.

Why can’t we all be those lucky people?

As I was sitting in my car at a red light dripping sweat with all four windows down (because not all of us are fortunate enough to have an air conditioning that works properly, grrrr), I heard a lady on the radio ranting about how summer sucks. I caught myself nodding my head while she explained, and I let out a laugh.

We all spend so much time waiting for the sun, the warmth, the laughter, America’s birthday, that sometimes we forget just how damn irritating summer can really be.

So, as soon as I got home, I sat down right here in front of my laptop and started typing this list of pros and cons of summer. Let’s start with the cons since my shirt is still soaking wet from sweating to death.

Cons of Summer:

1. It’s f**king hot. Fortunately, people that are farther away from the equator get to have a nice breezy summer (or perhaps you live by the water and the breeze is always blowing), but smack dab in the middle of the deep deep South, we are not so privileged. Right now, it’s 90 degrees Fahrenheit with humidity at 50%. That means the heat index is at 95 degrees (so in simpler terms, it feels like it’s 95 but it’s only 90…..) Ugh. Look out, southerners – and everyone else too I guess, because apparently it was almost 90 in Alaska recently – it’s only gonna get hotter from here. Grab your tank tops and deodorant. We in fo a loooong ride.

2. While it seems like everyone’s out on the lake or ocean, many of us peasants work what seems like 24/7. We get to stare out our office windows or into our computer screens at all the little people having a blast while we slave away. I guess all that slaving pays off eventually, or does it?

3. The kids are out of school. All of them. They’re everywhere. Now, hold up, I don’t have kids of my own yet, and I do take a liking to most kids, but I can feel *hard feels* for the parents who have one too many kids (or maybe one is too many) and have to run around the house with them Monday-Sunday making sure they don’t destroy everything. The kids being out of school also changes the dynamics of things like traffic and shopping. On a normal week day, you could go to the store and not one kid is there – only the sweet gray haired ladies and soccer moms – but during the summer, there’s no one but kids in the store. *Excuse me darlings I need to scoot by youYou would say to the little tots standing smack dab in the middle of the isle – no matter how much you wanna yell, scream, and pull all your hair out.

4. Everything outside seems so much more complicated (mostly because it’s f**king hot). From car trouble to sitting at the park trying to find shade under one of the very few dogwood trees planted scantily around, and from waiting in drive thru lines to taking care of your garden, everything is a huge hassle – especially if you’re a woman who wears makeup and tries to dress nicely each day (the struggle). I choose most of the time to go for some sunblock, breathable shoes, a cold drink, and a tank top; that way, all my efforts of looking nice aren’t completely ruined an hour later when I return back to my air conditioned apartment – thank God that one isn’t broken.

5. People are way more irritable in the summer (probably has to do with the fact that it’s so, oh you know… F**KING HOT). There have been several research studies on this that I remember going over in class. People in the summer are just more moody. Our body temperatures change and fluctuate with the heat. Next time you’re out in the sun with friends consuming other external substances (or not – either way), keep this in mind, because someone is bound to get a little too hot headed. Blame our good friend Summer on this one.

Alright, alright. Enough with the negativity. Let’s talk about why summer doesn’t suck.

Pros of Summer:

1. It’s not cold anymore! Yay! No more sweaters and freezing your ass off in line at the movie theater. Finally, we can stand in the sun and appreciate it’s brightness and warmth instead of begging for it’s services. If you’re too hot, turn on the air, bro!.. well, unless you’re me, then you need to take your car or house (not literally) to the shop and get it fixed 😛 I try my best not to spend too much time indoors during our warm months.

2. Kids are awesome! You can find awesome jobs during the summer if you’re a young person like working at a summer camp, lifeguarding, boat or deck hand, princess birthday parties, and more. Parents are also begging for some time off, so get ready for some babysitting cash, y’all. Plus, spend enough time around kids, and you might learn a thing or two about life you never thought of before. You might even start believing in fairies again.

3. Man, summer is filled with some good movies. This summer, for example, we have the new Mission Impossible, Jurassic World, Pitch Perfect 2, The Avengers, Mad Max, the remake of Poltergeist, San Andreas, Disney’s Tomorrowland, the TV show turned movie Entourage, and Disney & Pixar’s Inside Out. Oh yea, and that movie Pixels with Adam Sandler about PacMan, Mario, Donkey Kong and the rest of the awesome old school games coming to life and trying to destroy the world. Epic.

 Looks pretty awesome, am I right?

Okay, next pro:

4. Good music, good beer, and good friends. Not only does the summer fill up with good new movies to watch on a lazy rainy afternoon, but it also heats up the music industry. All your favorite musicians are coming up with the best new beats for your sunny enjoyment. Good beer is kind of a given in any social situation – go local this summer! Craft beer is the new thang, and friends are always cool.

5. You get to have cookouts all the time. Mmmm, the smell of a freshly lit, smoldering grill. That’s the song of the south, in my opinion. I love some good meat, and the men around me know how to cook it just right. The moral here? – find men who know how to cook and stay best friends with them for the rest of your life. Just kidding, I can grill a mean steak too. All it takes is a little care, some good music, a beautiful sunset, and your favorite (or even not so favorite) people.

6. WATER!! And I’m not just talking drinking water y’all.. If you’re like me, then you probably enjoy a cool dip in the neighborhood pool or diving off the back of a boat into the murky water of your local river. Maybe you enjoy a little more adrenaline and love to go cliff jumping at the lake, or better yet, going parasailing over the ocean. Whatever it is, get in that water and soak up that sun, because in just a few short months (unless you’re Southern California, Puerto Rico, or even Fort Lauderdale), it’ll be too cold for your toesies.

7. Last but not least, lemonade. Yep, that’s right. Lemonade. One of my favorite parts of summer is riding down the road or traveling through family neighborhoods searching for those cute little faces, hand painted signs, and fresh cups of Country Time lemonade. My favorite part is that kids sell it cheap – the most expensive I’ve ever come across was $2, and even when they only sell it for 50 cents a cup, I still throw a little extra in there for an even brighter smile. I mean, come on guys, even Chick Fil’A is getting in on the lemonade trend with their new frosted lemonade – although everyone knows they’ve always had the best lemonade. Try one, it’ll change your life, maybe.

Okay, so I guess there are more pros than cons to summer – it is my favorite season after all – but let’s be real… it is still way too f**king hot out there for this gal. I hope you enjoyed my summer rant, and please feel free to add any of your own pros and cons of summer below in the comment box!

Until we meet again,

C