False notions

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Society is an illusion designed to make us spend the money we earn in order to survive. Some of us do it better than others. Some of us see through it all and have a hard time getting out of bed in the morning.

But we have a CHOICE don’t we? I always heard “take risks” “achieve your dreams” “do what makes you happy” and I was always scared.. I let fear rule me. Fear of no money mostly. Because all of my other fears lead back to this one. At least in this situation.

We have a choice. We must not let societal ideals, economic design, parents, friends, addiction, or FEAR bring us down! We don’t have to stay at a job we hate just to put food on the table. DO WHAT YOU LOVE! You don’t have to date or marry the guy (or girl) your mom and dad approve of. You don’t have to feel bad for what you do in private. DO WHO YOU LOVE!! You don’t have to go to the school, live in the neighborhood, drive the car or listen to the music they’re listening to. BE WHO YOU LOVE!!

We can no longer drown in our beds filled with sorrow and pills. We must look at one another with compassion. With light. With empathy.

Because life’s a bitch and we’ve all been broken somehow. In this society? We all have.

We’re all searching for something. And we’re all waiting for someone. Share that something. Be that someone.

Love.

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Breathless Love

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There are so little words to describe breathless love.

Some people don’t believe it exists.

It does. Because I’ve seen it.

I’ve touched it.

I’ve smelled it.

To know a love – a passion – like this

Is a gift.

Truly.

To taste an adoration – a blazing fire – like this

Is grace.

The epitome of.

Because all of us deserve true love.

The world has tried to take that right away from us.

But I’ve tasted and seen. I’ve heard and felt.

It’s irreplaceable.

Unimaginable.

Persevering.

Awe inspiring.

Bliss.

Silence

Silence seems impossible

When my head screams so loud.

All these voices leading me this way and that

Trying to find which one is God’s.

I can’t seem to let this go.

This one thing that holds me back..

It holds me back from being free

From flying.

Silence seems inevitable

When you stand there wordless next to me.

It’s deafening to my sensitive ears.

It roars through the open air.

Silence makes loving you more painful.

You stepped on my voice and now it’s gone.

But making love to you is no longer an option..

That one thing that’s holding me back

From flying.

Maybe it’s the silence that’s doing that..

I’m really not sure anymore.

Quite Some Time

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It’s been quite some time since I sat down and senselessly wrote. So here it goes:

I’m tired. I’m afraid. I am separated from my emotions in a way I’ve never felt before.

I work towards a seemingly endless goal. A goal I don’t even have a name for.

Sobriety? Spirituality? Money? Love? Acceptance? I’m not really sure.

I have dreams, but those dreams seem so unobtainable.

Where do I even start?

I get silent reprieves from nights spent with a few friendly faces,

But then I have to return home only to sit in the dark.

I’m covered in love from someone I want to spend forever with..

But I feel incapable of returning that love with anything like the same fury.

I’m drowning in a time where monotony seems to be washing me down the drain.

I don’t know where to go next. I’m told to do things I love – like write or play.

The ivories feel cold under my finger tips. This keyboard seems to be deepening the pain.

So, I pray. Sometimes that works. It gets me through a few hours at least.

I long for the days when I used to reach for my pipe. When I used to find laughter at the end of a bottle. But the next day would only bring more rain.

The consequences aren’t worth turning back. Losing everything I’m trying to fight for – diligently? More like insufferably.

Sometimes I feel so happy I might burst. Those are the moments I live for now.

But most of the time I feel blank, cowering behind something that’s blocking out the sun.

What is it I’m hiding from? Booze? Weed? Fear? Me?.. Probably.

It’s like I’m just standing on the edge waiting to be pushed off.

It always happens. I find a glimpse of serenity, a smidgen of bliss – only to all be erased by the sickening blows of life.

What do I want to be when I grow up?

I’m more and more becoming like Lennon – I just want to be happy.

But maybe his teacher was right. Maybe I’m not doing it right.

Happiness is a choice. Right?

I think that’s wrong. I think happiness is a facade.

Joy is what we seek. But can joy be something continuous? I guess that’s what I’m trying to find out. So, I guess I’ll keep searching.

And maybe that Higher Power I pray to will show me how to get there. Maybe he, she, it, them will bring me to where I need to be.

But putting in the work to get what I need isn’t exactly my forte. It’s tireless work. Endless, like I said before.. pushing towards an invisible nameless goal.

I’ll figure it out tomorrow. Today, I’ll just rest in the fact that the wind is still blowing and I’m still breathing, and he’s sitting next to me. Maybe that’s enough. Shouldn’t it be?

How to Love Someone who Shuts you Out

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How do you love someone who’s emotionally shut you out?

Sounds painful, huh?… It is. More so than I’d like to admit. But it’s possible. I promise.

I’ve been married for a little over a year to the love of my life. I’ve also been suffering from active alcoholism and semi emotional abuse (from both ends of the relationship).

What I have to remind myself of constantly is that some of the things that we’ve been through and the fights that we have are what caused him to emotionally retract. But I also have to remind myself that he, too, has been part of this roller coaster.

I am not the only villain in this story; however, I will not play a victim either. He is the man I put a ring on for, and the man I want for the rest of my life.

The problem is, he’s not only shut me out, he wants out. And after promises made and past mistakes forgiven, he’s turned into someone I’ve never known before. That in itself is the most painful part of it all.

So, how do you love someone who’s abandoned you? It’s not easy. But like I said.. it is possible.

Every morning for the past few weeks, and sometimes throughout the whole day, I hit my knees and pray. Not for my will but for God’s to be done in my marriage. I pray that God will cover my husband in protection and love and I pray for forgiveness for my own selfishness and that God will help me forgive him. I do this EVERY day and as often as it’s needed.

I usually also send him a text saying that I love him. (of course in the past and even recently – as a woman lol – I tend to blow him up with texts.. which is the wrong thing to do because I’m learning it drives him away quicker). I look stronger if I keep a healthy distance.

Usually, he doesn’t respond. And those responses have gotten thinner and thinner, and that’s okay. It hurts, but it is OKAY.

As an alcoholic, I have to remind myself that I am powerless not only over alcohol but over many things in my life. One of those things is my husband’s thoughts, words, and actions. That is super hard to accept! But with the strength and goodness of God, I’ve been able to get stronger and stronger in this each day.

If the 12 steps have taught me anything, it’s that God is in control, and that God only wants his best for my life – whether that’s with my husband or without him. The pain I feel inside is temporary, and because of my persistence in prayer, the pain is slowly subsiding and peace is being placed there instead.

Love isn’t just a word or some kind of feeling. It’s an action. And sometimes that action is to let that person go. Holding on too tightly will most always run them away. I know that I can’t capture my husband in a box and keep him there. He would be miserable – he says he already is. But I can pray for him and I can love him within myself enough to give him away to God’s control.

Without God, all of life is unmanageable.. Not just my alcoholism. This goes for anyone – alcoholic or not. My foundation in Him will be what makes a difference in the end.

Damage has been done – so much damage – in my relationship that it seems as though there’s no way to bounce back or for us to heal, but God is the ultimate Healer and Miracle Worker. It is in Him I rest my heart and to whom I give my spirit.

Through God’s love is how I love.

That is how to love someone who has shut you out. Silently – in prayer.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails…” 1 Corinthians 13:4-8

The Unrequited love poem

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How do you feel when you love someone who does not love you back?

How does anyone feel in this situation, really…

Rejected, alone, cold, and weak just to name a few.

Murdered in cold blood.

Heart throbbing – aching – for just one touch.

Is that too much to ask?

You stare at his face when they don’t notice

Hoping you’ll catch his eye and see just a glimpse –

A glimpse of that twinkle he used to have.

You know it’s there somewhere –

And you just keep searching, waiting, hoping.

Power is in hope, after all, right?

Or maybe that’s just a silly dream from a silly little girl.

It isn’t just infatuation you want – it’s devotion;

Intimacy shared between two people that no one else could ever know.

How do you feel when you love someone who doesn’t love you back?

Empty, fearful, anxious, impatient.

Just to name a few.

Your soul broken in two.

Praying for change that may never come.

Counting on promises that will probably always be empty.

So you start searching for something else…

A bottle, one hit, a pill, whatever it may be;

There’s got to be more to life than this misery.

But at the end of the day, you look at him again

And it starts all over.

You can’t give up – you made an oath.

You love him too much to let him go.

You know that deep down he does love you

But not understanding why he can’t show it

Will forever haunt you.

So what do you do?

In my opinion, you should let your heart ache.

Let it break. Let it cry.

But every day continue to show him why he deserves to be loved.

Walls don’t come down easily – especially to those most wounded.

So give him as much time as he needs to heal – but don’t deepen the hurt further.

Patience is a virtue they say, right?

Mindfulness Takes Practice.

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There’s been a lot of talk about mindfulness in the past few months in the media, in schools, churches, yoga studios, and interpersonal conversations. In my experience, mindfulness takes practice – a lot of practice. It isn’t just something that you discover and then BOOP it’s magic. No. Becoming mindful in every day life is a journey to happiness and enlightenment. It reveals love and joy and unity with yourself and with others and it also realizes the connection between all things. Sometimes I get cloudy again. I get demotivated. I somehow forget how good it feels to get on my yoga mat and let go. I get lost in the mundane worries of life and I forget that if I just put in hard work each day, I’ll achieve something great. I feel that we all get this way sometimes. Life wears on you. It starts tearing you apart. Little issues become huge mountainous problems. You begin to feel trapped. The thing about becoming mindful is that it teaches you to love yourself first. It teaches you awareness of your connections to your inner beauty. God as he is understood, created you to be beautiful and full of joy. If you connect to His creation and experience the love He has for you – the love that is built in to you – you have the capability to shake the earth. We all do. We were given a purpose to create something wonderful with the resources we’ve been given. But we’ve allowed selfish desire, power and money to take over and ruin this planet. We all need to realize we are connected and this earth is connected to us. The universe is connected to us. Our one job is to make it beautiful – to preserve it not destroy it! So why can’t we change things? Because we’re stuck. We’re stuck in realities that our government designed instead of the reality that God designed. We need to all band together and start making decisions to change things. But we can’t do that until we realize ourselves first. Our purpose is love. Inwardly, upwardly, outwardly.

Do you ever stop to really think about your body?

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Do you ever stop to really think about your body? I just realized I don’t much. I mean, I may occasionally look in the mirror and realize I’ve gained or lost a few pounds or notice my eyebrows are growing unruly, but I never really take the time to notice myself. Not really.

But I’m thinking now, and it makes me a little self conscious. I mean, for one, my hair is too short (I did ask for it to be cut that way, but I feel like I made a mistake). It’ll grow back to it’s long blonde self one day, I guess. My neck is too skinny for my round head, and sometimes I look like I have two chins. My eyebrows grow way too fast, and I have to groom them literally every other day.

My eyes are squinty but very deep green. They look the best when I add shades of gold, green and purple to the lid, but it really annoys me that I have such dark circles around the arch of my nose and under my eyes. The only makeup I ever need the most is my concealer so I don’t look like I haven’t slept in weeks.

I never really break out much except the week before my period, and my skin is usually naturally soft from my head to my waist. My nose fits pretty perfectly between my eyes and mouth. It’s small and button-like which makes it fun for people to poke (and makes me want to hide my face from certain friends of mine). My ears are tiny too.

I grow a little dark blonde mustache above my lip that I have to wax every three weeks to a month, but my lips are plush and pink and I never have to wear lipstick, although in the winter when my skin is pale, pink and red look dashing I think.

Below my neck and on my narrow shoulders, my short biceps sit attached to my thin, long forearms and small and dainty hands. My fingers may be long, but I assure you my palm is smaller than yours. My wrists can even fit a baby bracelet on them if I so choose to wear one.

My breasts are bigger than they look due to the style of clothing I usually wear. They definitely weigh me down a little, but that’s okay I guess. They’re kind of nice to have.

My stomach is narrow to say the least and I have a light brown happy trail that grows from my belly button to my unmentionable. Of course, I either pluck the hairs with tweezers or shave them off.

My waist gets a little thicker as we get down to my butt, and I have kind of a weird hump between my hips and thighs that makes me look a bit like a pear. I have to keep my weight down in this area, or I would definitely look like one!

I don’t have much of a butt but it’s a little bubble I guess. My thighs have always been my least favorite part. Their like a lump with not much shape. It takes a lot of work to get them to look the way they did when I was 17.

Although my thighs are less than pleasant, my calves are good and strong. They are pretty thin like my forearms and help me dance like I want. My feet, like my hands are small and quaint. It sucks, though, because when I go shoe shopping all the cute selections are always taken! There are just too many women with small feet.

There are a few things I forgot to mention like how my fingernails and toenails are brittle and grow funny and how my right eye droops just a little lower than my left. I have a birth mark on the inside of my left calf muscle and four tattoos hidden away. My scalp gets itchy and my lips can’t handle most lip products because they dry out and peel easily.

A lot of this probably sounds self-critical, but I assure you it’s just pure honesty. I love my body and how I’m made, and writing about myself has helped me think just how much I want to take better care of me. My exercise routine could definitely use a boost, and my thighs are the way they are because of chocolate and fried food. I know what I have to do. I know my potential. I am thankful for my body; are you thankful for yours?

The Characterization of Fear

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What is fear?

Fear is ugly. Fear is crippling. Fear breads anxiety and depression. Fear drives hate. It ruins love and tears apart families. Fear broods and bubbles deeply inside. Fear is that annoying yet terrifying buzz in the back of your mind – like a wasp buzzes near your ear in summer. Fear is banning the Confederate flag. Fear is also hating the flag that flies for equal love. Fear is not allowing understanding for those who may look, act, speak, believe differently from you. Fear is money. Fear is war. Fear is the media. Fear is what drives the world.

But I have a simple question. Does fear, in fact, have a silver lining? Can something good come from fear?

Do you know what I think? I think that absolutely NOTHING good can come directly from fear BUT I’ve also been considering something. What if something good can be born from fear to push fear away? What if people fear so much that the fear is beginning to almost look fake? What if there’s a generation that realizes that fear isn’t the right way? That marriage can be gay – or straight, or bi, or transexual? That the Confederate flag isn’t what’s wrong with the world, it’s the people who fly them? That the media is LYING? That our families need nurturing? That love and freedom shouldn’t come at a cost? That religion serves one central purpose? What if?

I think there’s a generation rising. Watch and see.

him.

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his biggest dream is to become a game warden. his eyes are as deep chocolate and as gentle as a doe’s. his hands are strong and work ridden. his legs tell of tiresome years of toil yet stand as strong as an oak’s trunk. his mouth is always pursed with serious matters of life, but when he smiles it’s as if time stops. his voice is firm and demanding of progression. he knows all my favorite songs.

he doesn’t let a soul tell him how to live yet has a burning desire to be in the company of those close to him. it is evident that experience has led him here. he’s been on his own since he was sixteen.

that’s not easy for any of us – not having the help and devotion of our families as we grow up. i was luckier than he. but is it lucky that i was babied my whole life? maybe he was the lucky one.

being in his arms quiets every part of my body. my mind goes blank – erased of all the worries of the future and ailments of the past. standing near him gives me power. looking at him feeds me love. the entire universe is in his stride; his laugh can melt an entire room.

his touch is everything i need for the rest of my life. it is reassurance of a happy life. isn’t that what we all want? a happy life? that’s why he’s my forever.